Rose Styron

The first time I had no idea that Bill had depression. I felt a strangeness come over our relationship and his response to the world. It seemed to me that he would precipitously cancel any plans that might have given us pleasure. He became morose on the daily walks that we took with our dogs. He would abruptly say that he did not wish to see friends or hear his children. Even though he was quite a gourmet, both as a cook and an appreciator of food, he stopped enjoying meals. He used to listen to music every day for long periods and he stopped doing that. His talk, which had been lively and far ranging, always engaging and different, became completely obsessive, self absorbed, monochromatic, and boring to him and to others. It was such a change of behavior. He always had a high temper, given to yelling at whatever or whoever caused the noise or disruption, because he liked peace and quiet. But suddenly he refused to participate and could not enjoy anything.

Neither of us had ever been to a shrink. We really didn't know much about depression or psychiatry, having grown up in a world where silence and keeping one's family counsel was the way that one dealt with anything disturbing. So we didn't share our concerns with our friends, the way we now know we can. Friends kept telling me that his behavior was a sign of alcohol withdrawal and in a month or two he would be fine. But instead, he became more and more hypochondriacal, consulting doctors for every physical ailment one can imagine, none of which materialized. Then, we went off to France for him to receive an award and he behaved in a bizarre manner. It was also a moment of return to the Paris that he loved more than any other city and where we had spent wonderful times before. So his behavior was even more striking.

We cut short the visit and came home. It was obvious then that he was in real need of medical help. But, unfortunately we didn't get the right medical help. We found a doctor who identified depression, which in one way was a relief. But, the care was not what it should have been. The doctor was so worried that Bill was well known and that this incident would stigmatize him or cause some kind of public crisis. He kept telling me to keep giving him higher and higher doses of one of several medications and to keep him at home, not to let him out of my sight.